5 Months Sober...and Selfish.
To sum it all up. I used to drink a lot. Now I don't. Is it hard? Yeah. But, it is a lot easier than it used to be. I can feel it getting more difficult to explain how it feels not drinking.
On the usual Tuesday in the past, I'd start about drinking about noon and slowly make my way through 1-2 bottles of wine. Maybe I'd have a few beers after I finished my wine. I would get everything I needed to done. I would be productive. I would just be drinking because I was bored, sad, lonely, or just frustrated. I was never drinking because I was happy.
But, at 5 months sober. I fantasize about the drinking to celebrate happiness. I fantasize about drinking to celebrate, socialize, relax with one glass of wine... My mind has somehow convinced me that I used to do that. Drinking to celebrate or because of happy moments was never my "drinking problem."
So, now at 5 months. I sit here selfish. I know I am selfish. I am very "woe is me." I cannot take change. I pity myself. I demand things. I mean I reaalllly cannot take change. My significant other walked in the other day and said he'd like to eat more fish and I freaked out. I convinced myself he was going pescatarian and I panicked. I needed him to stay the same. I needed him to eat Mcdonald's. He doesn't get it. Thank goodness he doesn't.
5 months selfish. That's how I'd define myself today. Is it ok? I don't know. I do know that I owe myself a little bit of time for self-care. I'm working on it and me. 5 months! Hurrah!