In the Morning


I am and have always been a morning person.  In alcoholism this came out with a vengeance . I stopped sleeping properly as all alcoholics do. I consistently would wake up 2-3 hours after I fell asleep.  In sobriety, my quality of sleep has changed dramatically but I am still an early to bed early to rise person.

I have about 8 hours of usefulness and they start at 6 am.  If it is 2 pm I am shutting down for the day.  Chilling and in the past...drinking wine.

Today, as I drove through my secure parking lot at 7 am, our guard said, "late start for you, April!"  And, I thought to myself.  This guy saw me at 3:30 am every morning probably stinking of Bourgogne with dark red stained lips rolling in to work for a decade.  He noticed, I'm sure.  I wonder if he's noticed a change?  Then, I thought to myself, I am only thinking about me.  I never noticed him.  In my active addiction, I was just rolling through the motions.  I was not me.  Just an empty shell of myself.  I am sure I was friendly.  I am sure I was charming.  But, I never remembered him being there at 4 am.  In fact, we have about 20 different guards and I do not remember any of them.

I'm sober.  But, I am different.  I notice things.  I make human connection instead of faking a smile.  I remember him today.  I will remember him tomorrow.  And, I will remember me tomorrow.  It is a real smile. 

6th MonthAPRIL