In the Morning
I am and have always been a morning person. In alcoholism this came out with a vengeance . I stopped sleeping properly as all alcoholics do. I consistently would wake up 2-3 hours after I fell asleep. In sobriety, my quality of sleep has changed dramatically but I am still an early to bed early to rise person.
I have about 8 hours of usefulness and they start at 6 am. If it is 2 pm I am shutting down for the day. Chilling and in the past...drinking wine.
Today, as I drove through my secure parking lot at 7 am, our guard said, "late start for you, April!" And, I thought to myself. This guy saw me at 3:30 am every morning probably stinking of Bourgogne with dark red stained lips rolling in to work for a decade. He noticed, I'm sure. I wonder if he's noticed a change? Then, I thought to myself, I am only thinking about me. I never noticed him. In my active addiction, I was just rolling through the motions. I was not me. Just an empty shell of myself. I am sure I was friendly. I am sure I was charming. But, I never remembered him being there at 4 am. In fact, we have about 20 different guards and I do not remember any of them.
I'm sober. But, I am different. I notice things. I make human connection instead of faking a smile. I remember him today. I will remember him tomorrow. And, I will remember me tomorrow. It is a real smile.