Peaks and Valleys. My First Sober Fight
They say a relationship has peaks and valleys. I had a valley. Here is how someone with a serious inability to react properly to emotions acts in slight anger and turmoil. This is the diary of a crazy person. This is a person that sees red. This is a person that cannot stop her flood of emotions long enough to put herself in her partner's shoes. This is Sober Me. She spirals. She drowns. She gives up.
1. I cried. I cried so much that I had potato eyes when I showed up at work.
2. I angry text. I put every angry thing I could think of into an iMessage and I sent it. Repeat 100 times.
3. I threatened to date other people. I accepted a date saying, "I will call you when my relationship is over."
4. I said, "I don't love you anymore." Over and over.
5. I left the house mid-fight in anger.
6. I did not come home from work and slept away from home.
7. I bought a bottle of wine and stayed up all night debating whether or not to drink it.
Then, the switch flipped. As quickly as the crazy started, the sanity returned! What was that? That was a crazy person. That was not me. Someone took the wheel and it was not Jesus. And, this is recovery?!? This was my first dose of real anger as a sober person. Sober me failed. Sober me started to dwell on the failure to process the anger and remain sane. Sober me spiralled again. Sober me ended up staring at the same bottle of wine because she felt so guilty for not being able to be sane. Then, sober me said she was sorry to herself. She forgave herself for the drama. And, in true Real Housewives fashion, she immediately moved on from the over-inflated drama without acknowledging how absolutely bonkers it was.
Sober me apologized....to herself. Sober me needs to stop calling herself that. Baby steps on the sanity. Giant Leaps on the sobriety. I tossed the wine. I'm working on the anger management.