6 Months. Not Yearning.

Well, honestly, I cannot believe I made it.  I cannot believe that I didn't drink for 6 months.  It sounds like such a little bit of my life when I say it out loud.  6 Months.  I have been sober for 6 months out of the last 180 months.  Right???  It is scary how quickly and distinctly your life changes.  I am a different person-undeniably different.  

I can honestly say at 6 months that I do not feel the pangs of yearning for alcohol.  I feel like I am forgetting the want I had when I woke up in the mornings.  I can faintly remember the planning for the first drink, the goal of getting there and everything else being a tick list to get to my glass of wine.  I went back and read a narrative of a craving I had earlier in my sobriety and it amazed me at how physical it was.  It was crushing.  I still have cravings, but they are much different.  For instance, I was in a grocery store and saw a big bottle of Absolut Vodka.  I did not feel a physical pang for it, but my mind said, "Get that.  You can keep it in your car and if you need it, you'll have it.  It will make you stronger to know it is there and not drink it."  Whaaattt?!?!  My mind actually tried to convince myself that having a bottle of vodka in my car would give me strength in my sobriety?  Sneaky bastard knows I would just drink it.  Probably the whole bottle the next time I sat in traffic and felt even the tiniest bit of stress.  Ugh, I still want alcohol.  I still want the illusion of freedom from worry it brings.  

I am learning to feel things.  This has been my most terrifying obstacle.  I really never realized I drank to squash feelings.  I am not talking about the sad feelings.  I drank to squash all feelings.  I am learning to feel pain and happiness without freaking the fuck out.  Happiness?  Yeah.  I do not like to feel too happy.  It gives me anxiety.  If I allow myself to be so happy, I immediately think the happiness will end.  I do not like to celebrate me.  I never have.  This has not changed and will never change.  I guess never is a long time, we'll see if I ever wake up and let the world know I need a party about my accomplishments or joys.  I'll let you know, you're invited.  

But, ultimately, my 6 months anniversary is solidifying that things have to be different.  Even if I experience sadness, pain, loss, anger, hurt, happiness...I cannot deal with these things the way I used to deal with them.  I have to be different.  I have to let everyone know that I am different and if they do not like it well, here's the door....

6th Month, Sober StyleAPRIL