They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab and I Said, "NO, NO, NO" (1st night in Rehab)

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For years, my ex tried to make me go to rehab and I said, "no, no, no."   I guess I didn't just say no.  Sometimes I yelled no being dragged from a restaurant because I wanted just a little more tequila.  We all laughed.  

Fast forward 10 years.  I went to rehab.  I tried quitting drinking on my own, and I couldn't.  This residential treatment facility was not all sunshine and roses.  I am not high class material.  I have zero qualms about me being better than anyone else.  So, I did not choose a residential facility like celebrities do.  I did not check myself in for a "break" from my life.  It was not a relaxing getaway like everyone assumes. There were good people there.  But, a high class-relaxing rehab, it was not.  I chose this place on my own and I was as high as a kite when I did.  It was on a lake.  I remember thinking...I like lakes, this place will do. 

The honest reason I needed rehab is so they could feed me Valium so I could quit drinking and taking Xanax.  So, here is my experience with the first night of rehab.  It was the same as every other night.  They gave me Valium to wean me off of alcohol.   They said they'd be coming in at 2 am to give me another dose.  I went to sleep as I normally do.  They came in and woke me up at 2 am and made me walk to get my next dose.  I walked very normally to the room with the nurses, took my second dose of Valium and went back to bed.  The next morning, I woke up before my alarm as I always do and went straight to our scheduled class.  I was the first one there.

Everyone was looking at me very strangely.  Finally, one girl said, "No one comes to class on the first day.  You are detoxing.  Go sleep off the Valium."  I said, "I am fine."  I was not lying. I was fine. I was functioning. The exorbinant dose of Valium did nothing except keep me functioning. I am sure it was a struggle, but the struggle was my normal. I was fine.

In the next few weeks, I watched as people slept off the first few days of Valium. I watched how the Valium doses kept them knocked out for days. I did not relate. I only have my experience. I was functioning.  I functioned through the nausea and diarrhea.  I functioned through the sweats and spikes in my pulse.  Withdrawal symptoms were the usual for me.  I had experienced them a million times and still had responsible productive days. The difference between me weaning off of alcohol with Valium in rehab monitored by doctors and taking it at home unsupervised....I wouldn't have stopped taking it at home.  I loved it.