What to Expect after Quitting Drinking. Poop Edition.

Let's talk about poop.  I went through a nasty time trying to figure out how to get back to my regularly scheduled programming after quitting alcohol.  Here was my timeline.  

If you are not chemically dependent and  in need of a serious detox, you'll probably start on Rocks.  But, be careful, detox can be very dangerous if you have been drinking for a long time.    It is best to ask a doctor.   

If you are not chemically dependent and  in need of a serious detox, you'll probably start on Rocks.  But, be careful, detox can be very dangerous if you have been drinking for a long time.    It is best to ask a doctor.   

 

1-7 days:  The Toilet Hokey Pokey, Detox

You put your head in the toilet, head out, head in, you do the hokey pokey and turn you turn yourself around...Now put your bum in....That's what detox is all about.

It passes quickly.  Literally. 

7-14 days:  The Toxic Smell.

Set the scene for rehab.  Three or four people in one room with one bathroom and non-stop disgusting frequent poo.  Everyone has a high temperature and is sweating due to withdrawal.  I'd like to think that the flush of every ounce of intestinal matter is your body releasing the years of toxic buildup.  It definitely smells toxic.  My roommates and I just spent every day blaming the smell on whoever was out of the room at that time.  

14-30 days:  The Rocks.

Dehydrated doody. Now, this was the worst for me because I have always had great poops.  The kind you walk out and say Ahhhhh.  Alcohol suppresses the appetite, so alcoholics, including myself, were apt to skipping real food in favor of alcohol.  You take away all of the liquid calories when you quit drinking, and your calories now come from actual food. You start asking a digestive system that has digested mainly liquids to digest solids.  It panics and sucks all of the water out of your poop and leaves you with rocks.  Lots of rocks.  I could've paved a road before this stage ended.  I imagine this stage alone sends some people into relapse just for relief.  

Definitely the worst stage.  It passes.  Reeeeaaaallly slowly, but it eventually passes.  Literally.

30-60 days: The Rabbit Turds.

I decided with no scientific reason behind it that I would make up a reason for this dehydrated rabbit turd stage.  My theory:  We have been dehydrating ourselves at a cellular level for so long as alcoholics.  Now, along with learning how to digest real food, our body is starting to re-hydrate and learn to be at an equilibrium without alcohol.  Our bodies are sucking the water out of our food to send hydration to your cells hence producing what is known as rabbit pellet turds.   This is an OK stage.  It isn't rocks.  Every once in a while you get a substantial log which gives you satisfaction.  But, generally, you hop away from the bathroom unsatisfied. 

60+ days:  Poo-phoria.

It's a poofect stage with poofect poops.  You'll have a craptastic time in this stage.  Hopefully, if you avoid a relapse and eat a healthy diet, you are guano experience this movement for a long time.  You're dung great.   If you take care of number 1 (You), number 2 will work itself out.  Remember, this too shall pass.  Deuces, y'all.