More to sobriety than just survival...

As humans, we crave more in life than just survival.  As addicts we become fixated on one thing and one thing only, and that is to survive.  I feel like as addicts we lose sight of our "why?"  We start focusing on how to survive versus how to enjoy living.  I am actively in search of my why.  My why is definitely not to make a lot of money.  My why is not to jump into situations that give me instability for a risky high.  I am not a risk taker anymore.  I am more of a go to bed at 9 am and get up at 5:30 sort of gal.  This is me at 110 days.  

What are your strengths?

Assistance.  Acceptance.  Growth. I believe I have everyone's best interest at heart.  I try to do what I feel is right.   I will not give money to people begging on the street.  I will bring food.  I will bring hydration.  I have walked into a store in Morocco and given soccer balls and water bottles to children.  I know a lot of heroin addicts that would rather have $5 than a sandwich, though.

I do not tolerate excuses.  As addicts, we are master manipulators.  We have always had our addiction and self interest as the primary in our lives.  In recovery, we sometimes slip back into the "poor me's" and the truth is, "poor everyone around us."  I do not tolerate excuses from myself mainly, but also, I do not tolerate people making excuses or placing blame.  

What are you passionate about?

I love traveling, learning, exercising, people, children, animals, clean sheets, cinnamon, trees, flowers, sunrises, the lake, seeing people happy, building things...

This is my issue.  I cannot narrow down what makes me come alive.  I feel all of the things now.  I do not know if this is a new sobriety thing or if I just happen to be a person with an uncontrollable amount of feelings.  But, this leads me to wonder, how am I measuring my life now that I am sober enough to take a look at it.  

What is your WHY?

What measures you?  What gives you direction?  My biggest anxiety is worrying about others.  It is sometimes their health. It is sometimes financially.  It is sometimes addiction.   These things actually keep me up at night.  I worry more about others than myself when everyone knows I am no pot of gold.  In sobriety, we've been taught that the anxiety is bad for recovery.  We've learned to "let go and let God."   We learned to give our anxiety away.  But, when I try and give mine away, it comes back.  Either, my higher power is a joker, or He's trying to guide me.  So because I am finding myself in this, I am going to approach the anxiety I get differently.  I am going to follow its signals and let it challenge me and inspire me.  What is given to me in anxiety, I will redirect to my brain as actual concern.  It is normal to care.  It is what inspires you to grow.  It is what inspires you to take action. 

As my SO says, "anxiety is normal."  Actually the conversation goes, "I feel so anxious right now."  And, he says, "Oh, you mean you feel normal?"  Anxiety is just concern.  This concern is what makes us responsible.  It guides us to make a moral decisions and to take responsibility for ourselves.  It helps us act in an ethical manner, tell the truth, take care of ourselves and our family, not blame others.  

Helping others is my why.  I am a helper.  I just can't help helping.  If you need to find your why, you should look at what brings you the most worry.  What can keep you up at night?  Knowing what brings you the most challenge probably gives you the most insight into what defines you.