Not an Easy Sober Life, But a Simple One
Seven months sober. Seven months between me and a memory of wine that was always a drunken memory at best. I cannot viscerally feel how I used to feel about wine when I was at my rock bottom. I do not remember how it was my best friend and dictator at the same time. My mind is slowly replacing these memories. My personal experience and memories of the destructive force of alcohol are slowly being tainted by the glamourous image that is portrayed in advertising.
Here is how my mind is starting to think again...I know this because I started this post by thinking, "What do I remember about my drinking days?" This is the first thing that came to mind. It is not of sadness and loss of self. It is not of the pain and suffering. It is of love. My first thing I think about when I think of my drinking days is my love of wine. I loved the way the alcohol felt. The smell of a heavy red wine gave me comfort. Everything about the glass of wine gave me comfort. The feel of the heavy crystal. The specific shape of the bottle giving an artistic interest sitting on my table. The change in the flavor from a freshly opened bottle the becomes a full-bodied flavorful, woody, warming red. I loved wine. This is the way my mind glamorizes my wine drinking. Yes, I am the Martha Stewarty type of woman and can appreciate the aesthetic and the feeling that a perfectly set table gives you. I love the beautiful flower arrangement...the strategically placed bottle of wine next to the bouquet. The aesthetic. But, that is just an aesthetic.
I can honestly say that at 7 months. I do not crave alcohol with an overwhelming feeling to escape my life. I crave what alcohol looks like in an instagram ad. I crave what alcohol looks like neatly organized on a table. I crave to be like everyone else that can have one glass of wine and the "class" that comes with it.
Here I am at 7 months. I am battling my own mind. I am trying to remember the bad things about alcohol so I can keep the "why" I am sober in my head instead of the "why not." I never want to forget how alcohol destroyed me. I have to consistently remind myself that I am an addict. My mind is tricking me into trusting the picture in my head. That picture of a put-together woman relaxing at dinner with a glass of wine was not me. My wine glass followed me from the dining table, to the living room, to the car, to the bed...
I remind myself that I did not drink from Waterford crystal in the car. I drank from a Diet Coke bottle or coffee cup. I remind myself that when I handwashed my crystal it was because I used it to vomit in next to the bed because it was sitting there from my "bed drink," that I had every night. I still congratulate myself for being able to vomit into a wine glass without spilling it. Because...hey. Alcoholic skillz.
My life has become much better without alcohol there is no question about this in my mind. It is crazy how simple an idea removing alcohol from my life was. It is a simple plan, but VERY hard to do.
It is not an easy sober life. But, I remind myself of a very simple policy. No alcohol. Simple. You'd think.