Fair Weather Fan of AA-Part 2
If it doesn't apply...let it fly. I learned this in AA and it helped me get sober. To this day I owe the 12 step program of AA for my initial sobriety even if I have no intention of working the steps any further than step 4.
I constantly receive feedback about my fair weather feelings about AA. I appreciate the feedback. I really do. But, I appreciate the feedback because it shows the goodness in people and how they want other people to succeed. Some people found a very good program in AA. They found a program that fit their lifestyle and works for them. I love this. I want the recovery of everyone and I certainly want people wishing the same for me.
I sincerely think that the majority of steps in AA do not work for me. I learned this in my rehab program that used the 12 step program. It helped me beyond belief in the first 30 days when I did not have the strength of self to get through my chemical addiction without a community's support. It just happened to be the AA community. I made a decision in my head, but my body was not following suit. In rehab, we attended NA and AA multiple times a week and when we were not at meetings, we were working the steps in our 12 step handbook. I liked these meetings. I liked that I saw people who had stopped drinking and were committed to helping others and their own recovery.
My biggest issue with AA is that it is a trigger for me. This is a personal problem. I attended AA many many times while drinking. I drank on the way there. I drank after I went. I see this in people that attend meetings. I see this in my friends that are trying AA over and over and not fully committing to sobriety. I see it and it makes me sad. It makes me hurt. It makes me not relate to people that cannot look at a bottle of wine and say, "I do not want to drink anymore." This is my trigger. I get stressed because I am fillled with empathy and love for others. But, alas, I cannot be everyone's strength and I know this. I dug myself a hole into addiction by trying to do and be everything to everyone. I feel myself wanting to do this in most AA meetings. It is a trigger for me that I cannot save the world.
I had to leave the room in rehab when others would say, "I don't know if I really want to get sober." I know from my experience that they will not until they want to 100%. I did not and cannot help these people without causing myself severe stress. I can only tell them why I wanted to get sober not why they should. I am not in the game of trying to convince others that sober is the way. I know that I will always be a loser in that game. I did not attend rehab because of a court system. I did not attend because my husband or family wanted me to attend. I did not attend because alcohol was killing me. I attended because I recognized that I wanted to never drink again. All of the above reasons could have been a reason I got sober because they are true, but the underlying basis of sobriety is that you have to want to be sober to get sober.
I need to surround myself with people that identify with being sober instead of being addicts. I need to look forward with faith instead of behind me with fear. I need to have strength for me and hope for others. My hope is that others can find inside themselves the strength that I somehow found after years and years of trying to control my drinking. This is not my ego talking. I am actually quite humble with my weakness and strength. I recognize when I am weak. But, I remind myself that I truly want to live a life of sobriety. This is me being analytical and looking at what I need to be successful. It is not me negating a system that works for so many. Most of the system does not work for me, sadly.
I do not believe that AA, yoga, meditation, smart recovery or any other program saves you. I believe that you save yourself and use these things as tools. I love yoga. I love meetings. I love running. I love my toolbox. But, I cannot do the steps. I tried. And, if in the eyes of AA that makes me a failure at being sober, then I guess I am a new breed of failure that remains sober. I am just sober me. That is all I can be.
Part 3 will be on the major cons I experienced with AA: Habits I picked up that were bad in AA and people that kept me from coming back. One day at a time and one blog post at a time, I am looking forward to tomorrow with faith not fear.