Fair Weather Fan of AA-Part 2

If it doesn't apply...let it fly.  I learned this in AA and it helped me get sober.  To this day I owe the 12 step program of AA for my initial sobriety even if I have no intention of working the steps any further than step 4.

I constantly receive feedback about my fair weather feelings about AA.  I appreciate the feedback.  I really do.  But, I appreciate the feedback because it shows the goodness in people and how they want other people to succeed.  Some people found a very good program in AA.  They found a program that fit their lifestyle and works for them.  I love this.  I want the recovery of everyone and I certainly want people wishing the same for me. 

I sincerely think that the majority of steps in AA do not work for me.  I learned this in my rehab program that used the 12 step program.  It helped me beyond belief in the first 30 days when I did not have the strength of self to get through my chemical addiction without a community's support.  It just happened to be the AA community.  I made a decision in my head, but my body was not following suit.  In rehab, we attended NA and AA multiple times a week and when we were not at meetings, we were working the steps in our 12 step handbook.  I liked these meetings.  I liked that I saw people who had stopped drinking and were committed to helping others and their own recovery.  

My biggest issue with AA is that it is a trigger for me.  This is a personal problem.  I attended AA many many times while drinking.  I drank on the way there.  I drank after I went.  I see this in people that attend meetings.  I see this in my friends that are trying AA over and over and not fully committing to sobriety.  I see it and it makes me sad.  It makes me hurt.  It makes me not relate to people that cannot look at a bottle of wine and say, "I do not want to drink anymore."  This is my trigger.  I get stressed because I am fillled with empathy and love for others.  But, alas, I cannot be everyone's strength and I know this.  I dug myself a hole into addiction by trying to do and be everything to everyone.  I feel myself wanting to do this in most AA meetings.  It is a trigger for me that I cannot save the world.  

I had to leave the room  in rehab when others would say, "I don't know if I really want to get sober."   I know from my experience that they will not until they want to 100%.  I did not and cannot help these people without causing myself severe stress.  I can only tell them why I wanted to get sober not why they should.  I am not in the game of trying to convince others that sober is the way.  I know that I will always be a loser in that game.  I did not attend rehab because of a court system.  I did not attend because my husband or family wanted me to attend.  I did not attend because alcohol was killing me.  I attended because I recognized that I wanted to never drink again.  All of the above reasons could have been a reason I got sober because they are true, but the underlying basis of sobriety is that you have to want to be sober to get sober.  

I need to surround myself with people that identify with being sober instead of being addicts.  I need to look forward with faith instead of behind me with fear.  I need to have strength for me and hope for others.  My hope is that others can find inside themselves the strength that I somehow found after years and years of trying to control my drinking.  This is not my ego talking.  I am actually quite humble with my weakness and strength.  I recognize when I am weak.  But, I remind myself that I truly want to live a life of sobriety.  This is me being analytical and looking at what I need to be successful.  It is not me negating a system that works for so many.  Most of the system does not work for me, sadly.  

I do not believe that AA, yoga, meditation, smart recovery or any other program saves you.  I believe that you save yourself and use these things as tools.  I love yoga.  I love meetings.  I love running.  I love my toolbox.  But, I cannot do the steps.  I tried.  And, if in the eyes of AA that makes me a failure at being sober, then I guess I am a new breed of failure that remains sober.  I am just sober me.  That is all I can be.

 

Part 3 will be on the major cons I experienced with AA:  Habits I picked up that were bad in AA and people that kept me from coming back.  One day at a time and one blog post at a time,  I am looking forward to tomorrow with faith not fear.

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7th MonthAPRIL