My Turning Point into Addiction
Why is my heart beating so fast? I am trembling. My legs are weak. Can anyone see what is happening? I am sweating. My heart flutters. Then I hear, "you don't look well, why don't you sit down?" My response, "I think I am having a heart attack." I am young. I am over the Atlantic ocean at 30,000 feet. I am not doing anything but standing up and relaxing and I think I am having a heart attack. I take 5 aspirin, just in case. And, I wait. I sit and wait for what happens after a heart attack.
In my head I think that I am healthy. I work out. I eat right. I walk 5-10 miles a day. But, I drink. It is never the 5 ounces that is recommended, though. I drink 2-8 glasses of wine a night. Some days it is 2. Some days it is 5. Some days it is 8.
There I was sitting calmly on the airplane, having what I thought was a heart attack. I wasn't scared. I wasn't shocked. I wasn't freaking out. I wasn't anything. I was just there. When I landed, I went to the doctor and told him about my episode on the airplane. I thought maybe there was something going on with my heart. I do not disassociate with medical problems. I am proactive. I believe myself to be in top notch health, remember? Squash a problem before it starts, right?
I was hooked up to heart monitors. The doctor told me that my heart looked fine. He said that I had a panic attack. I was no stranger to anxiety. I had been diagnosed with anxiety for years. I had trouble sleeping due to anxiety. I never told a doctor how much I drank, though. Not because I didn't know how much I drank, I just didn't associate myself with having a problem. So, with the doctor's lack of recognizing that I drank too much, he gave me Xanax for my panic attacks. I was fine again. Xanax helped with the panic attacks. The panic attack was from lack of alcohol in my system NOT because of anxiety. The night before had been an 8 glass night. I wasn't a party girl. I wasn't a drug addict. I wasn't looking for my next high.
I was just a girl who liked wine. Then, I was a girl who liked wine and Xanax...my cookie crumbled.