My Turning Point into Addiction

Why is my heart beating so fast?  I am trembling.  My legs are weak.  Can anyone see what is happening?  I am sweating.  My heart flutters.  Then I hear, "you don't look well, why don't you sit down?"  My response, "I think I am having a heart attack."  I am young. I am over the Atlantic ocean at 30,000 feet.  I am not doing anything but standing up and relaxing and I think I am having a heart attack.  I take 5 aspirin, just in case.  And, I wait.  I sit and wait for what happens after a heart attack.  

In my head I think that I am healthy.  I work out.  I eat right.  I walk 5-10 miles a day.  But, I drink.  It is never the 5 ounces that is recommended, though.  I drink 2-8 glasses of wine a night.  Some days it is 2.  Some days it is 5.  Some days it is 8.  

There I was sitting calmly on the airplane, having what I thought was a heart attack.  I wasn't scared.  I wasn't shocked.  I wasn't freaking out.  I wasn't anything.  I was just there.  When I landed, I went to the doctor and told him about my episode on the airplane.  I thought maybe there was something going on with my heart.  I do not disassociate with medical problems.  I am proactive.  I believe myself to be in top notch health, remember?  Squash a problem before it starts, right?


I was hooked up to heart monitors.  The doctor told me that my heart looked fine.  He said that I had a panic attack.  I was no stranger to anxiety.  I had been diagnosed with anxiety for years.  I had trouble sleeping due to anxiety.  I never told a doctor how much I drank, though.  Not because I didn't know how much I drank, I just didn't associate myself with having a problem.  So, with the doctor's lack of recognizing that I drank too much, he gave me Xanax for my panic attacks.  I was fine again.  Xanax helped with the panic attacks.  The panic attack was from lack of alcohol in my system NOT because of anxiety.  The night before had been an 8 glass night.  I wasn't a party girl.  I wasn't a drug addict.  I wasn't looking for my next high.  

I was just a girl who liked wine.  Then, I was a girl who liked wine and cookie crumbled.    

8th MonthAPRIL