A Bad. Damn. Day. in Sobriety
I am having a bad day. I actually have been just winging it for about a while now, hence the lack of bloggin. I know that it has to do with the way I am letting the outside world influence too much of my insides. I feel like I am on a roller-coaster of losing in the game of life. That's the thing about recovery, it is not all raining puppies and vibrators. It is sometimes a bad. damn. day. How do you handle a bad day?
YOU SHOW UP.
I am showing up. There is great dignity in showing up. For work. For the gym. For life. The plan yesterday was to go to the gym and then enjoy some dessert before work. I showed up for the gym. There was a Miller Lite truck blocking the entrance, but I said some choice words and exercised my middle finger. I worked out even though my heart was not in it. My hair looked like "a rat's nest" as my trainer pointed out and my shirt was on inside out. But, I showed up. Then, I came home to eat apple pie. My dog had done some counter surfing iin the 45 minutes I was gone and discovered my pie. He ate it all. Yep. The dumb-d ate my apple pie that I had been saving as a reward for myself after the gym. I didn't kill him. I hugged him and said, "I love you, you f-ing a-hole." Then, I cursed his fat bum as I cleaned up the stickiness on the tiled floor. I love that damn dog.
Of course I am minimizing what is causing my stress right now. It is not the dog. It is not the apple pie. It is always more than a dog or apple pie situation. It is fertility, family, and finances. All. The. F. Words.
I don't place my happiness in a piece of pie or a glass of wine anymore. But, you see all of that cussing up there? Those f, a and d words mean that I am not using any coping skills other than cussing. I will never be able to prevent bad days, no one can. I can minimize how much they overwhelm me with a little mindful self-care-which I am working on currently-I will post on that tomorrow or the next day. I will never be one of those girls that glamorizes busy-ness. I need structure and stability in sobriety. And, for me to have that, I need simplification.
So, here I am having a bad damn day. It is fine. The good thing about a bad day is that you get another chance tomorrow. Tomorrow there will be pie.