500 Days Sober and I GROWED UP.

IMG_4908.JPG

Do you remember when car rides seemed like they took an eternity. When I was a young girl, my mom worked an hour away from our home. I remember her driving there every day and thinking, "oh my gosh, HOW DOES SHE BEAR? IT IS SOOOOOO FAAARRRR AWAAAAY." This was how my first year sober felt. I couldn't even imagine getting to my year soberversary, it took an eternity to get there. It was a slow slow journey. 

I started out sober life as a little sober baby...

I stopped drinking. I opened my eyes and took a look around at a world I'd never seen and I wanted to crawl right back in the hoo-ha. I thought about going back to drinking A LOT the first 3 months. But, I couldn't go back. I'd promised myself. So, I cried, ate, slept and pooped for about three months and grew out of wanting to return to my wine womb. Thank goodness. I will never sugar coat how difficult it was to break the habit of drinking. It. Was. Hard.

I was a little sober child...

Time slowly passed, but from about 3 months to 6 months I was learning to do basic functions. Sit without wine. Stand. Eat. Drink. Smile. Cry. REALLY REALLY cry. I started making friends. Some friends didn't want to play with me on the sober playground. I got bullied. But, I learned that was ok. I met new friends. Some of my friends moved back to drunktown. I waved goodbye and promised to write, but our friendship wouldn't survive the distance. It was my sobriety adolescence.

I was an angry sober teenager...

Then, at about 7 months, time started moving more quickly. Cue my sobriety teens. I started having more fun. I started feeling sexy. I developed an attitude. I jumped on the "bring down the alcohol industry" bandwagon that people rant about when they are looking outside of themselves for solutions. I donated money to people who are sober and angry at the world. I preached empowerment. I preached ego. I was loud and proud and my emotions were hog-wild. I would laugh and be elated one day and then the next I'd watch 'This is US' and cry all day. I ate so much sugar and junk food that I filled out my bra. Truth. Teetotally teenager.

I reached sober adulthood...

I GROWED up. I hit a year. My miracles started happening and are still happening. I became an adult and started being able to live sober on my own. I stopped being as egotistical. I realized that I had created stability in a sober lifestyle versus having a constant fight with a sordid past. I gave up my bitterness and I found my betterness. It happened. I matured. A year was my sober age of reason. I could complete complex tasks. I started vacationing without my old traveling bestie, vino. I visited Portugal and Rome without wine drama. I had weekends at the lake without beer on the mind.

IMG_6984.PNG

I still have my bad days and go back to the fetal position. But, they are few and far between. I get why I needed to quit now. It wasn't because alcohol is a demon searching to kill us all. It isn't because the advertising of alcohol targets women, although it most certainly does. It was because I needed to grow into myself. I needed to become "me." Not "me again" because the “me” before wine never existed. I needed to stop relying on a beverage to give me false feelings. I needed to feel the feelings and learn the lessons of pain and suffering. I needed to feel sadness from not being a mother. I needed to feel the sadness from losing loved ones. I needed to learn to appreciate how good people have been to me. I needed to be there for other people, but most of all, I needed to learn to be there for myself. She was just a wee wine-drinking baby who needed some coddling.

I'm still growing. I wash my face at night and drink coffee in moderation in the morning. I eat from a plate and then wash said plate. I show up to work feeling good and smile at the beautiful people in the world. I smile at the people who suck, too. I make an effort to not be one of the people who sucks. I get excited about the smallest things nowadays, like these amazing ice cream sandwiches. I shouted out, "f@ck yeah, ice cream sandwiches!" when I saw them in the freezer. 

IMG_5302.JPG

And, when I looked in the mirror today I shouted, "F@ck yeah, there you are!"  It. Feels. Good....It. Feels. REAL.

IMG_6330.JPG
12th Month, FavoriteAPRIL