I am Not Sorry. It is Not OK.
8 months sober and I am back to squashing my feelings. I am wearing a mask with a nice smile on it when my face is anxious and stressed underneath. I am doing this more often than not, but let me tell you about the trifecta that sent me into a spiral yesterday.
Struggle number one. I love instagram. I try and take pictures that are aesthetically pleasing, I pick out quotes that mean something to me, and I like being a positive and real voice for sobriety. I cheer for those around me doing the sme. I have posts stolen and posted on other accounts all day every day. I usually just laugh. But, recently a post was stolen and posted by an account with 30,000 followers. One of my followers (I like to call them friends), saw this and called it to the account owner's attention. The high-follower account disregarded her message, deleted her nice message, and kept the copyright infringement the same. Being my relaxed self, I emailed the account holder very nicely and left a very kind comment on her picture...I mean my picture that she'd purposely removed my watermark. Yet, she feels she is in the right to keep using it without acknowledging ownership of the photo. Meanwhile, she is getting acknowledgment from instagram in top posts and from many people. I am not craving the attention; frankly, I take it as a compliment that she wanted to post it on her page. But, I believe in doing the right thing. Or as Maya Angelou says, "do better when you know better." So, where do I go from here? I let it go. Unless I want to file a copyright infringement, I just have to ignore it and try an not let it effect my feelings toward other people who steal out of ignorance versus bad ethics.
Scenario number two. I work in customer service. I am a people person and I love people. A man yelled at me, scoffed at me, told me everything was my fault (his reading light burned out with plenty of other seats to move that he did not want to move into) and I said "I'm sorry" over and over at least 20 times. I let him play a dominance game on me and never put my foot down with the dozens of attempts to please him. Some people just want to make another person miserable. I was treated like this for 5 hours straight. I cried on the way home from work.
Scenario 3. I walk in my house and the cupcake my Valentine left for me on the table with flowers was gone. My dog ate it. Boom. Tears. I spiraled. I cried. I had anxiety inside me that would not go away. I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't get the frustration out of me. I could have avoided the overreaction to a cupcake mishap if I had dealt with my previous stressors with honesty and less fake sorries. The cupcake being eaten was not a big deal. It was funny, actually. But, it was the icing on the cake, literally.
So, now I have a goal. I am not going to say, "I'm sorry"-unless I mean it. If I tell you, "it's ok." Then, it is truly going to have to be ok. I am only going to express in words what I feel in feelings. It is a big step for me. I am a people pleaser. So, wish me luck. I'd like to apologize in advance...but I won't.