Sobriety and Things We Cannot Control
I woke up this morning and was immediately bombarded by life. That's what I call anxiety-life. Anxiety bombards me. I journal to let it out. I had to write and cry this morning as I have on many occasions. I'm a crier. I am learning to recognize what sends me into my anxiety spirals. It is a lack of control. I have empathy. I have so much empathy it starts to choke me sometimes. Here are the two things that sent me into a "feel too much" spiral.
1. I was told by someone that a young girl in AA had committed suicide.
The person that told me was upset and said, "If only we could have done or said something different she might still be alive." My answer to that is maybe. But, the only truth is that it happened and at this point there is not a fix for what happened. There is no way to go back and fix it. It is done. All you can do is think maybe.
2. London experienced an attack.
There are bad people in the world. They do bad things. I blog about terrorism a lot. I was laughed at in one of my therapy sessions when we wrote down things we fear because I wrote terrorism. Everyone else wrote things like inability to pay bills, loss of friends/family, relapse...Stuff that was innately related to them. But, me, the first thing I think of when I think of fear is terrorism. I think it is because the other things I can control. (I know some people cannot, I am blessed with privilege for knowing I can control money.) But, I truly fear things I cannot control. So, this is where I follow the Let Go, and Let God principle. Or, Let Go and Let Love, rather. There are things I cannot control. The fact that people close to me die of illness is one of them. Terrorism, another. Both are triggers for me to drink.
I just happen to be going to Brussels and London next week for work. But, that is not why I fear terrorism. I fear feeling so much empathy that I choke. I fear lack of knowledge. I fear what I cannot control. I fear not knowing that the person sitting next to me might need a hand and I don't know. And that, y'all, is anxiety.