The Blog Post That I Immediately Deleted
I blogged about being able to laugh at drunk behaviors. Because in my head, this is my way of healing. I laugh because my other option would be dwelling in regret. I forget that other people were involved in my actions. So, to me what was filled with shame at first has been replaced with a stronger sense of pride with my new healthier lifestyle...to others my behavior was incredibly hurtful and remains to be hurtful. Others cannot laugh at what I can. Others take however long they need to heal. So, ultimately, I deleted my laughing at my past behavior. I am not going to lie, I do laugh. But, I am still actively apologizing through changed behavior.
I posted about an incident where I did something incredibly stupid in a blackout. It was something I did under the influence that could've been detrimental to others and that hurt several people and damaged trust. I now look at it like it was just "another dumb thing I did." Because Lord knows, that it is just one dumb thing in a list of many.
But, in reality, although I had many blackouts that were only harmful to me. Some were incredibly hurtful emotionally to others. What to me, is minor, because I have become a different person and am not at risk of that behavior anymore. To others, is still a "why and how could she do that?" It is my responsibility to acknowledge that I was 100 percent wrong and it was not a laughing matter. Maybe someday, everyone will understand that I am different. Maybe someday I will be able to laugh at my extreme errors in judgment while drinking. But, it is not today. I will not be laughing until until others can laugh with me. Which might be never.
Hey, y'all, I'm still trying to figure it out. I make mistakes.