10 Things I've Learned in 10 Months Sober
What does 10 months sober feel like? I am pretty sure it feels like what 30 years feels like. I feel solid. I feel like me again. You know what? I don't know why people say that. What is "me again?" I sure as heck don't know. I do not remember adult me before alcohol. Alcohol has always been a part of me. So, I guess that is a lie. I feel like a fucking stranger. And, it feels fucking good.
10 things about me in 10 months sober
1. Every season effects my relationship with alcohol.
I get a new craving with each new change in weather. Weather actually had a lot to do with my drinking. Patio drinking weather, sofa and movie drinking weather, rainy day wine, summer festival beer...you get it. My life revolved around alcohol with every page flip of the calendar month.
2. Idle time truly is dangerous for me.
I have had a lot of time off from work and I need to find more "off work" activity. When I sit on the sofa and try to focus on a tv show or movie, my mind immediately strays toward a glass of wine. I am a "keep busy" sort of gal. I need to have something for my hands to do. For the last 10 months, it has been instagram. I am ready to open my mind to new ways of keeping myself busy.
3. I am very black and white.
I see right and wrong. I see limits. I struggle to live in the grey.
4. I do not tolerate blame.
I see other people blame their jobs, family, friends, partners...for their problems. I do not and have not ever done that. I am not sure if this is a good or bad quality, yet. Still trying to delve deep into my psyche. But, I only blame me for everything. If I am unhappy at work, it is not someone else's fault. Is this good? Jury's out.
5. Physical pain controls my behavior.
As I stop occupying my time with drinking or survival mode, I'd like to get back to being more active. But, I have injuries that just won't heal. I am actively trying to figure out what is wrong with my neck and wrist so I can get some big burly muscles-or just one tiny muscle. I'll take either.
6. I am a shopaholic.
I just need to quit. I started a 100 day challenge to not shop. I told someone. I made it one day before I had to have some shorts with pineapples on them. Ugh. I am going to work on this. It truly is an addiction.
7. I need to be validated too much from other people.
I am struggling with doing things for my personal well-being. I feel like I need acknowledgment. I feel like I need comradery. I don't.
8. I am intuitive.
I used to think this was "defensive." But, in reality, I have a pretty strong gut. I do not like being manipulated. I feel like a lot of people I meet in sobriety that identify with being a former "addict" try and manipulate you. They try and use you for monetary gain. And, I hate that. I hate that people do not want to help others out of the goodness of their hearts.
9. The best advice comes from others.
I have trouble trusting myself. But, there are so many people with so much great knowledge and experience. I listen.
10. I consider living a sober life a huge accomplishment where others say it is not.
Not an identity. Not a goal. Not a struggle. I consider every day that I live life without trying to escape an accomplishment. I don't try to "over enjoy" what is enjoyable without wine. I don't try to forcably make myself relax or sleep anymore. I keep structure and accountability and that is the accomplishment. People say it is not an accomplishment because it is a responsibility. But, I whole-heartedly disagree. Paying bills is a responsibility-you become complacent with responsibilities. Complacency is dangerous. My sober life is not complacent it is accomplished every day. I celebrate everything that I accomplish as an accomplishment even if it is my 1000th time doing it. Accomplishments empower you, responsibilities tend to weigh you down.
Celebrate what you have done...don't dwell on what you have left to do. You've accomplished so much.