13 Months Sober:13 Things I Need to Stop Doing

IMG_2302.JPG

I need to stop... 

  • Comparing myself to others.
  • Skipping the workout.
  • Over indulging with sweets. 
  • Believing someone else has all of the answers.
  • Spending so much time on social media. 
  • Being lax on my recovery.
  • People pleasing. 
  • Taking Tylenol PM to fall asleep.
  • Drinking 5 cups of coffee every day.
  • Ordering dessert every meal.
  • Being anti-social.
  • Shopping myself to death.
  • Feeling like I should have it all figured out.

This has been my consistent thought process for a month. Guess what happened when I finally wrote it down? I figured it out. I am making a list of my flaws and dwelling on them. I have always been too hard on myself. I push push push myself until I am standing at a ledge and teeter tottering in and out of sanity. I kept thinking that my year soberversary was giving me a lull in my recovery, but that is not it. I am acting like I did before I had the "sober thing." The "sober thing" took all of my attention. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I dropped everything and made sobriety my only priority. Now, It is not my only focus anymore. It is great to be at this point. I am not one dimensional. I am back to being multi-faceted me. 

I was hard, always too hard on multi-faceted "me." She's being hella hard on herself again. Her self esteem is low. Her ego is inflated but is popped by the tiniest prick. I am happy but unhappy at the same time. I am slipping into my old habits of being consistently "not good enough" and critical. This is recovery folks. These feelings were always real. They never went away. My first year was me digging out of my hole I built myself with wine. I finally made it out of my hole and it isn't raining puppies. I do not see rainbows and sunshine. So, I immediately decided I didn't like the view and made a list of everything that wasn't making my picture perfect.

It is not about the view. It is all about perception not perfection. Recovery is lifelong process. It is a commitment to work on myself and my relationships. So, instead of looking at this list of things I need to stop doing, I am looking at it as me being mindful I can improve. What I NEED to stop doing is running through a list of my flaws. 

There is only one thing that matters on my list and that is lucky number 13: "STOP feeling like I should have it all figured out." 

12th MonthAPRIL