The Bitterness in Sobriety

Confession: I have been bitter. I have a plethora of nasty emotions. I used to "deal" with them with wine. As it turns out, the idea that wine helps you release and destress was a load of bullarky that people selling wine sold us over the years. They cumulatively thought, "what is the one thing that everyone experiences?" Stress. We'll say it fixes that. 

Wine doesn't fix stress. It gives a temporary masquerade of helping, but ultimately it adds to it...then you drink more. The cycle continues. This "wine helps" rumor was the hardest thing to overcome when I started to rebuild. I had to unlearn a philosophy that had been imprinted in my lady-mind since my early adult life. It was like a game of Tetris recognizing all of the ways I had been coping incorrectly and then fitting the coping skills back in to help make the line of crazy disappear. Remember, ALL of the blocks have to fit in to keep the game going in Tetris. Otherwise, it all stacks up and you are Game Over. Crazy time. 

I was bitter about marketing and commercialism in the alcohol industry. I was bitter about a past partner, so men in general. I was bitter about the inequality in the world. I was bitter about money. I was just downright bitter. If you licked me you could've tasted it. 

How was this bitterness effecting me?

1. It was making me more depressed and anxious. I would wake up with resentment. Ultimately, it was undermining my health mentally and physically with insomnia.

2. It was making me less present. Living in the past keeps you in the past. It was preventing my future. I would assume the nature of people and constantly doubt the intentions of others. I was holding onto resentment and constantly rehashing old feelings that I needed to let go. 

How did I bring myself out of bitterness?

I looked into what I could and could not control. Looking inside at my own behaviour instead of outside at other peoples' behaviour gave me a release. I asked myself, is my anger turned bitterness a result of someone intentionally trying to hurt me?  The answer is generally no. People do a lot of self-centric things. These are not things to purposely cause pain to others. For instance, the alcohol industry wasn't necessarily trying to hurt people, they were trying to make money. Men are rarely trying to purposely make you feel pain, they are just self-seeking. Sometimes their self seeking is for their wieners. Money is not simple. But, ultimately, no one wants others to suffer, they just do not want to suffer themselves.

A few months ago I would have been jumping on the hate wagon and playing the blame game. The man did this to me...the alcohol industry did this to me...my parents...my friends...my blah blah blah. I would've joined the revolution to bring down the man. But, nah, I am getting all introspective and shit instead. 

Do you HAVE to get bitter before you get better? I say yes. Even if the bitterness is inevitable, the betterness is inevitable, too.

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