On Sundays, I Eats the Sweets. Sober Sugar Cravings.
I ate 3-15 butterfingers a day for the first 3 months of my sober life. I drank 3-5 cups of coffee each day. I criticized myself because of my overindulgence. I had been a size 2 regular bitch for 20 years. I wondered how cutting 2000 calories of wine a day produced weight gain while shoving my 5th snack-size Butterfinger in my mouth and washing it down with a latte. I counted the pounds and cried.
I sure as heck did not like the weight gain. I explained this to my counselor in a way someone would explain a marital problem. I do not like coffee and sugar anymore, but I love them. I was coffee and sugar codependent. I had broken up with wine. How much can a girl take? She advised me to stop pressuring myself to be perfect. Sound advice. Deep down we're all battling our lack of perfection.* The battle is real.
One Vice at a Damn Time
Vice number 1: Coffee
I went through a phase of giving up caffeinated coffee. Cold-turkey, I switched to decaf one day. It damn near sent me to my grave. It hurt. My head hurt. My body hurt. I was traumatized. I still have PTSD from that day in the caffeine free trenches. Needless to say, my all or nothing method quickly ceased. I had to negotiate with the enemy. With coffee, I brew half caffeinated and half decaffeinated. It is a good compromise and it works for me and my frequent European/American/Asian time travel. Eventually I hope to be 100% caffeine free, but eventually I hope to win the lottery, too. Until the day that I don't have to work, I will be consorting with coffee.
Vice number 2: Sugar
I love it. My first year sober, I indulged...some might say over-indulged. Here's why: wine has A LOT of sugar in it. When I stopped drinking, my body needed sugar supplements for a while. It was in shock. Unbeknownst at the time, those butterfingers that I cried about were actually part of my saving grace. I doubt I would be sitting here 19 months sober today had I gone cold turkey on sugar, alcohol, and coffee. As I got to know myself, I got to know my limits as to what I can handle as far as restriction. Custard and I will not be having a last stand.
Wine, coffee, and sugar are not equivalent vices for me. I was passing on life for wine. True story. When I started passing on wine for sugar and coffee, I got my life back. I've come to terms with my lack of perfection. And at 19 months sober, I limit my sugar indulgence to Sundays only.* On Sundays, I eats the sweets. Call it what you might...Sunday Funday...Sundae...Monday's foreplay. It is my sugar start to the week and it is a sweet sweet day.
I am not at war with my vices anymore. I do not have to eliminate all enemies. I am getting to know myself and what battles I need to fight to stay happy and healthy. I try to not bite off more than I can chew literally and figuratively.
One bite at a damn time. One battle at a damn time. One vice at a damn time. Life is so sweet, you'll want to eat it up.
*My floorboard is sure messy for me to be told I'm battling perfectionism.
*Nobody lays a finger on my butterfingers Monday-Saturday.