Baths and Sobriety. What am I doing wrong?
I have not been able to enjoy even one bath since getting sober. I try. I have peppermint bubbles. I have lavender oil. I used to jump into the tub full-heartedly wanting Calgon to take me away from my problems. I see pictures of my friends and their bubbles and WANT it to feel like they describe. But, in sobriety, I only last a few minutes before I quit the bath and just shower. I live my clean life sans the tub nowadays.
In my drinking days, baths were my thang. Baths gave me a way to escape the overwhelmingness of my life. They eased my daily dehydrated hangover headache. "Bathtub" was my nickname. I robotted through my day to get to my bath-escape. I would relish a glass of wine in the tub to complete the full "escape" experience and emerge fully pruned.
On Baths for Self-Care...
I still romanticize the glass of bubbly in a tub of bubbles. I remember it feeling good. But, truthfully, I know it just felt better than everything else going on in my life. I generally felt exhausted due to the endless cycle of drink/bathe/work/drink. Showers weren't my thang because wine in the shower didn’t work. Trust me, I tried. So, why doesn't a bath feel good to me now? Maybe it is because I associated them with wine. Maybe it is because after developing coping skills, my life doesn't overwhelm me anymore. Bottom line: I don't need to escape. I do not need Calgon and Beaujolais to take me away. I occasionally have a stressful moment, but sitting in "me soup" doesn't help. I’d rather do yoga and shower than soak in a tub of my tiny hairs. I have completely done a 180 on bath love. It's weird.
I'm not judging you bath lovers out there, I just don't understand. Everyone claims it is great self-care. But, why? I have the ability to be present and not hide in a 16 square foot space in a room away from everyone. My baths are few and far between nowadays. I will occassionally take a 5 minute dip for self-care research...just in case.
On Female Protocol...
Here's what scrubs me the most...I feel like women push wine and bubble baths as feminine protocol. As if it is what we do...as women. Oprah solidified this facade by saying, "baths are my favorite hobby." I bought the bath bubbles she recommended that came in a bottle shaped like Champagne. It is very cliché to me now.
I've never heard a man say, “oooooh, I really need a glass of wine." Never. I've never heard a man utter the words, "baths are my hobby." But, everyday I hear a woman proclaim she needs a long bath. Need? Nah.
I have a long list of "escapes" that were sold to me via advertisements as female "escape." Wine and baths top this list. Some days I just wonder if my ability to “female” is broken. But, all that matters is I know I have to deal with my problems on the front end...not in the bathroom. Well, sometimes in the bathroom. But, that's all in my poop post.