Sobriety can be Chaos.
I've stumbled into a younger version of the coffee shop. It is hoppin'. People. Everywhere. Young people. Is it a club? No one knows. But, it is 10 am and lots of people are smiling and swaying to the music. I get it. I smile when I see coffee, too. It is LOUD though. I had to yell my order. Being uncaffeinated, I am sticking around. So, here I am, banging loudly on my keyboard to the tune of techno.
It is quite therapeutic, to be honest, to write in chaos. I feel like my biggest lesson in recovery has been to exist in chaos...I always refer to how I've existed in stagnation for the majority of my adulthood. The stagnation in life was never from lack of opportunity. It has always been from fear of mayhem. Fear of stepping outside of safety. Fear of having to feel pain. Fear of having to feel happiness. Fear of imperfection. Fear of having to feel anything. Just plain ol' paralyzing, stagnating fear of reaching for what I wanted in life and having the universe slap my hand away.
I've been traveling for work. A lot. And, on my days off I go to a reproductive endocrinologist. So, I've been off blogging for a bit. I will never stop, though. I need it. I turned to my man the other day and asked if I could just stay home, do pilates twice a day and blog. He looked at me and said, "you want to be a housewife?" "NO. I just want to take a break from working and workout twice a day and catch up on Handmaid's Tale, duh."
He reminded me that on our first date, I forcefully told him that I would never be a housewife. I would like to retract that from the record, buddy. That was back in my drinking days and I was just trying to prevent a trainwreck. I've been that direction and part of my issue was idle hands. I felt like I was on a short leash where I couldn't explore my passions. So, my passion became drinking at home. Now that I have other passions, I could definitely rock it.
So, here I am, being that financially independent woman I wanted to be. Thanks universe for not slapping that out of my hand. It can be stressful. But, it is also fulfilling. Here I am, trying to become a mother. I am feeling pain from lots of uncomfortable failed reproductive assistance. The costs are adding up and the likelihood of getting pregnant is ticking down. Frankly, I’m just getting tired of being poked in the hoo-ha twice a week...and not in the good way. The universe might be slapping this one out of my hand.
So, here I am, slamming my keys on the keyboard of life and thinking about chaos. I'm reaching for what I want in life and accepting the chaos that comes when the universe slaps my hand away. I'm writing my own lyrics to this loud instrumental booming. Coffee is good. Coffee is good. I love Starbucks. I love Groundswell. I love Tim Horton's. I love Costas. But, it doesn't mean I didn't step outside of the box and give this coffee-club a go. That's my life now. I give it a go. All of it. As I like to refer to it: I am twerking through the pain.
Today, I am twerking to techno in a twenty-something coffee shop. Here I am. I definitely have to go now that I finished my cuppa joe.
Boom boom boom.