The Sex Fix I Chase in Sobriety
I am falling from my pink cloud. I worked about 84 hours in 1 week so I am exhausted. On the way to squeeze in a desperate oil change in a 2 hour break, I rear-ended a man in the snow. It messed up my car, and it has messed up my brain. On my 6th month soberversary, my fiance told me he did not want to have a baby. I know in my heart that is an ending for me. I was so tired from the stress yesterday that I actually overslept my wakeup call at work and missed my workday by about 3 hours. I called my workplace, they said, "come to the airport and we'll reassign you." I went out to my car in deep snow and my car would not start.
My. World. Is. Upside. Down. I am not drinking, but I feel myself searching for a fix...Something to take my mind off of my current stresses.
I know I will get out of this alive. Actually, I only 95% know this. But, I am still searching for a fix. I debated drinking. I debated it enough that I bought a bottle of sparkling wine. This is how I know after 6 months sober, I am still an addict. It is my brain. My brain wants to squash the feelings. It doesn't want to deal with the stressers of change and growth. It wants to dissipate into numbness and complacency. It is like I am in a batting cage and the feelings are baseballs. They are coming faster and faster. I cannot hit them away from me quickly enough. They are beating me down.
I did not feed alcohol to my feelings. I ate an oreo mcflurry for the sugar. I had 5 cups of coffee for the caffeine. I masturbated 8 times and bought 5 sex toys off of Amazon. I ran more miles than ever in a week. I have an insane amount of pent up horniness that I cannot get out. I am dreaming about going out and find meaningless sex to get the flood of endorphins. I need a release. I get it now. The relationship between sex and addiction.
I have been on my pink cloud. I have been overconfident. And, I will admit it, my life has been too easy the last 6 months. I have been imagining that my relationship and life were happy and healthy. I have only had to work on staying away from alcohol. I have not worked on dealing with my feelings and the feelings of those around me enough. I have been keeping feelings inside. I have been lonely and sad. The stress is bringing it all out. Sex is a bizarre craving for me. I have had zero sex drive for months. It has to be as a fix. There is no other explanation.
I am lost. And, generally AA helps for redirection. But, I cannot attend a meeting right now as I will be traveling internationally up until the 28th. So, here I am 6 months sober. Chasing a fix and falling off of my pink cloud with a splat.