Am I Sexy? Sober Thoughts

I know it is weird to ask this question.  But, I think a lot of us do.  We know we are pretty, funny, smart, thin, fit, attractive...etc.  But, in reality, there are very few people that can tell you that you are sexy and have you believe it.  These are the people that you let see you naked.  If you're anything like me, you've been beaten down in a relationship for a very long time.  I was in a decade long relationship with a man who did not compliment me in a sexual way.  He was very mean.  I could do nothing right.  He was controlling and fearful.  He was accusatory.   He would call me things like "whore" and "slut."

I would occasionally get emails from what I considered sexy/trashy women that he was cheating on me.  I saw the Puerto Rican 40 year old woman that said she went out drinking and dancing with him as the picture of sex appeal.  I saw the Arubian woman who took boudoir photos of herself and used those as cover photos on facebook as sexy because those were the women that were claiming to be with my ex.  The same type of women were his exes.  In fact, everyone he dated aside from me at one point had a boudoir photo of herself on facebook.  There was a lot of duck-face going on instead of pictures of them bicycling like my facebook.  They never looked like me.  They were dark complected and brunette.  They wore a lot of makeup.  They had fake breasts.  They wore short skirts or lingerie.  They wore sequins, not tees and wellies like me.  They straightened their hair perfectly.  They did a lot of work to be sexy.  And, frankly, I just do not have that inside of me.  I cannot spend more than 20 minutes getting dressed.  I like to be outside and with wavy, fluffy hair, there is no chance of being put together. Who wants to wear makeup when your daily schedule is to get up and immediately go to the gym, then the dog park in rain or shine, do housework, work in the yard/garden, and hang out with girlfriends crafting.   

When we were alone, he would criticize me.  I now know that it was abuse.  I understand that now after counseling.  But, at the time, I would excuse it as he just said some mean things when he was angry and we were fighting.  I relied on him.  I met him when I was young and I did not know any differently.  When someone tells you, "I could have a younger/tighter vagina than yours" when they are mad, you still hear it.  You assume your vagina is different. You assume you are somehow lackluster in that area.  You do not share this with your mom or girlfriends because it is too embarrassing.  I did not know that you need someone to make you feel good about yourself when your clothes are off.  I drank to numb the criticism.  I drank to numb the disappointment in myself.  

I do not tell you sad stories to make you feel sorry for me.  I want to help women who might be scared to leave or just beaten down and believe the abuser.  Trust me, I am my biggest fan.  I actually have an over-inflated ego.  I think I am great.  I generally am a know-it-all that thinks she is the smartest person in the room.  I know that I am pretty.  I get asked out at least once a day.  I am friendly.  I am nice.  And, in rehab, they told us to compliment ourselves and I had a list of positive qualities about me.  But, we all have something that we just don't believe-until we believe it.   I urge anyone who has a partner that attacks your insecurities to leave.  Do not start looking outside of the relationship for validation before you leave.  Just leave.

If anyone says they are not pleased with you sexually.  They are not your partner.  A husband loves you and works with you and builds you up.  They never say that sex is a problem.  They say that you are sexy.  They encourage you.  They marry you and commit to only you sexually.  They do not accuse you of cheating and call you names.  They are yours.  Be proud of yourself.  That person that loves you on the inside will be yours.  Find that person because anyone else is absolutely 100% mis-informed on how a man gets laid.  

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